The ironic thing about the title of this post, along with the previous post is that when I wrote it, it had a totally different meaning in my heart and mind.
Somehow, it applies to my current situation more than it did before, and in a much better way than before as well.
When I wrote my last post, I was under the impression that the two year relationship with the Love of my life was over, that I had made too many mistakes to be forgiven for- that my lack of understanding, not only of her, but of myself was too much to handle.
After writing that post, I made a miraculous discovery with a lot of help from Love (It's what I'll refer to as from hereafter, as well as metaphorically speaking). She helped me to understand my actions and she helped me through some very rough memories of growing up and my (lack) childhood.
I won't go into details here, but I had a very,very tough and destructive childhood resulting from my parents. The details of that, I've never told anyone- not even my closest friend. When I remembered these events and relived these memories- which was occurring with increasing frequency. I become cold, cynical, and distant. I was pushing myself away from her, unknowingly, but because I was broken and the repressed memories were starting to leak through and affect my personal life.
Love (emotion and who it represents) helped me talk about these things, to let them out. I didn't have to feel ashamed of my past and I no longer had to overcompensate for it either.
I honestly and truly feel like this is the first day of my life. I've never been more happier, never been more motivated to succeed.
It's all thanks to Love.
30.7.09
Broken Hearts and New Starts (Part 1)
So after spending all night driving recklessly through the rain, losing my mind, and screaming,crying,pleading into my phone- I've discovered how easily it is to become thrown off track in life.
After having something in my life for nearly two years, a constant and warm thing- most of the time, the idea of it not being there scares me. It's as if you have a dog that sleeps in your bed with you every night, there's a warm comforting spot where the dog lays- then suddenly its gone, cold, and dark, and lonely.
No, I'm not single yet. However, I happen to be in a state of limbo- purgatory if you will. With inclinations on both sides of the coin.
After having something in my life for nearly two years, a constant and warm thing- most of the time, the idea of it not being there scares me. It's as if you have a dog that sleeps in your bed with you every night, there's a warm comforting spot where the dog lays- then suddenly its gone, cold, and dark, and lonely.
No, I'm not single yet. However, I happen to be in a state of limbo- purgatory if you will. With inclinations on both sides of the coin.
It never ceases to amaze me, the ebb and flow
of human emotion and reasoning.
On this its important that we observe our fellow
man-but much more important to observe
it in
yourself.
The current relationship I'm in (was?) probably
the best thing that ever happened to me.
It got me back in school.
of human emotion and reasoning.
On this its important that we observe our fellow
man-but much more important to observe
it in
yourself.
The current relationship I'm in (was?) probably
the best thing that ever happened to me.
It got me away from the dangerous bullshit I used
to enjoy.It got me back in school.
It made me appreciate people more.
So many great things have changed in my life for the better.
But.
I've never been one to talk badly to people, I was prim and I was proper.
Now, I shoot insults out at people (including said girl) like its T-shirts at a football game. And not because I mean them- It's just how I've started to respond.
If I get defensive, It's on.
This is a terrible way to be. She and I are both guilty of it, me probably more so than her.
Scratch that
Now, I shoot insults out at people (including said girl) like its T-shirts at a football game. And not because I mean them- It's just how I've started to respond.
If I get defensive, It's on.
This is a terrible way to be. She and I are both guilty of it, me probably more so than her.
Scratch that
Me much more so than her.
29.7.09
Relationshits and Love
Right now I'm in a very rough patch as far as my Love life goes.
I capitalize "love" for a very specific reason, because it is Love
not that worn out fifteen year old phrase that often symbolizes
goodbyes. I mean true Love, when you know you are destined
for that person and no one else.
I capitalize "love" for a very specific reason, because it is Love
not that worn out fifteen year old phrase that often symbolizes
goodbyes. I mean true Love, when you know you are destined
for that person and no one else.
As I was saying, a rough patch.
But what is a "rough patch"?
How long does it last?
How long should it last?
These are questions I ponder relentlessly as if the answer is just within reach, but I feel the torment of Tantalus himself upon reaching the verge of my answer.
I live my life very simplistically, I want few things, I need even less and I've reached the maturity to decipher my needs from my wants.
Love is something I believe I need, Love is something I know I want.
But at what cost should we give to achieve this? A life, a choice, a calm?
I don't know all that I've given, or all that I could give.
Once I've resigned myself to give something away, I no longer think about it as being mine. To me it's simply- gone. I no longer miss or pine for what is no longer mine, because it doesn't make sense to. However with this philosophy comes danger, When you give and forget, other people start to forget- in regards to what they're taking.
My rough patch, is not actually a rough patch at all- but rather an inability for me to understand or comprehend a number of my faults and shortcomings. This leads me to believe that everything is okay- even when they are most clearly not.
That is the rough patch for me, a paradox of sorts.
I don't realize I'm in a rough patch, and the only reason I'm in a rough patch is because I fail to realize that I am in one.
Perhaps my live and let live mantra is gathering dust along with my chivalry (which is surely gathering dust).
I'm so easy to make happy, I can be happy with almost anything. But maybe, I'm too easy to please, just maybe my standards of happiness are too low. Perhaps I shouldn't be okay with things that I'm okay with, should I take a stand against things I'm not against?
How does one fix this problem?
How do you cure a problem that most people would kill to have?
But what is a "rough patch"?
How long does it last?
How long should it last?
These are questions I ponder relentlessly as if the answer is just within reach, but I feel the torment of Tantalus himself upon reaching the verge of my answer.
I live my life very simplistically, I want few things, I need even less and I've reached the maturity to decipher my needs from my wants.
Love is something I believe I need, Love is something I know I want.
But at what cost should we give to achieve this? A life, a choice, a calm?
I don't know all that I've given, or all that I could give.
Once I've resigned myself to give something away, I no longer think about it as being mine. To me it's simply- gone. I no longer miss or pine for what is no longer mine, because it doesn't make sense to. However with this philosophy comes danger, When you give and forget, other people start to forget- in regards to what they're taking.
My rough patch, is not actually a rough patch at all- but rather an inability for me to understand or comprehend a number of my faults and shortcomings. This leads me to believe that everything is okay- even when they are most clearly not.
That is the rough patch for me, a paradox of sorts.
I don't realize I'm in a rough patch, and the only reason I'm in a rough patch is because I fail to realize that I am in one.
Perhaps my live and let live mantra is gathering dust along with my chivalry (which is surely gathering dust).
I'm so easy to make happy, I can be happy with almost anything. But maybe, I'm too easy to please, just maybe my standards of happiness are too low. Perhaps I shouldn't be okay with things that I'm okay with, should I take a stand against things I'm not against?
How does one fix this problem?
How do you cure a problem that most people would kill to have?
28.7.09
The importance of being earnest[ly interested in the politics of our nation]
I want to take the time to make aware the importance of debate- in all things, but specifically on politics.
Lets start by thinking about the consequences of not debating ideas. It's called tyranny. Where things are done in one way, regardless of the will of the people- because people are too afraid or too lazy to discuss the things important to them. So this is why it's important for a diverse group of people share their ideas to make the world a betters place.
Now some [real]quick history. You know what the longest running republic empire was? Rome, It's an easy answer.
Next question. What nation was also the most successful in supporting a public forum where the government and citizens could discuss and argue points over issues important to them?
Rome.
See any similarities there? Because I do.
The biggest problem in America today is not our lack of intelligent people, Our generation is renowned for having access to more information than ever available. A great number (not the majority, unfortunately) of us actually use the information and toss away our ignorance and trade it in for intellect.
The biggest problem is our lack of Forum, or a lack of willing participants in Forum.
"The Socratic Method (or Method of Elenchus or Socratic Debate), named after the Classical Greek philosopher Socrates, is a form of inquiry and debate between individuals with opposing viewpoints based on asking and answering questions to stimulate rational thinking and to illuminate ideas."
(taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method)
Who wouldn't want to stimulate rational thinking or illuminate ideas? Ignorant people.
Yes, some people take debate too far- they get overly aggressive, perhaps even physical- these people lead other to think that debate is a conflict of sorts.
Making people smarter should never be a conflict, one would hope it would be only natural.
I know i've learned a ton from talking to all sorts of people, Liberals, Repubs, Socialists, Communists and many many other political affiliations.
While I don't always agree with them, I can appreciate their perspectives and it allows me to see things from more than one angle for a little bit- which always makes an intellect go.
So please, I'm asking you dear reader- do not get offended when someone doesn't agree with you, don't get offended if things get warm, politics is naturally a cause to be passionate in. Why wouldn't you feel strongly about discussing the fate of all the people in a nation?
Lets start by thinking about the consequences of not debating ideas. It's called tyranny. Where things are done in one way, regardless of the will of the people- because people are too afraid or too lazy to discuss the things important to them. So this is why it's important for a diverse group of people share their ideas to make the world a betters place.
Now some [real]quick history. You know what the longest running republic empire was? Rome, It's an easy answer.
Next question. What nation was also the most successful in supporting a public forum where the government and citizens could discuss and argue points over issues important to them?
Rome.
See any similarities there? Because I do.
The biggest problem in America today is not our lack of intelligent people, Our generation is renowned for having access to more information than ever available. A great number (not the majority, unfortunately) of us actually use the information and toss away our ignorance and trade it in for intellect.
The biggest problem is our lack of Forum, or a lack of willing participants in Forum.
"The Socratic Method (or Method of Elenchus or Socratic Debate), named after the Classical Greek philosopher Socrates, is a form of inquiry and debate between individuals with opposing viewpoints based on asking and answering questions to stimulate rational thinking and to illuminate ideas."
(taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wi
Who wouldn't want to stimulate rational thinking or illuminate ideas? Ignorant people.
Yes, some people take debate too far- they get overly aggressive, perhaps even physical- these people lead other to think that debate is a conflict of sorts.
Making people smarter should never be a conflict, one would hope it would be only natural.
I know i've learned a ton from talking to all sorts of people, Liberals, Repubs, Socialists, Communists and many many other political affiliations.
While I don't always agree with them, I can appreciate their perspectives and it allows me to see things from more than one angle for a little bit- which always makes an intellect go.
So please, I'm asking you dear reader- do not get offended when someone doesn't agree with you, don't get offended if things get warm, politics is naturally a cause to be passionate in. Why wouldn't you feel strongly about discussing the fate of all the people in a nation?
Is the FARC being supplied by Venezuela?
I noticed this morning searching google (after not sleeping tonight) a news article regarding weapons found on a raid on a FARC guerrilla base in 2008.
While guerrillas having weapons is nothing new, The source of these weapons is quite interesting.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the FARC, I will give you a brief rundown courtesy of Global Security.Org
While guerrillas having weapons is nothing new, The source of these weapons is quite interesting.
For those of you who aren't familiar with the FARC, I will give you a brief rundown courtesy of Global Security.Org
Fuerzas Armadas Revolucionarias de Colombia - FARC
Description
Established in 1964 as the military wing of the Colombian Communist Party, the FARC is Colombia’s oldest, largest, most capable, and best-equipped Marxist insurgency. The FARC is governed by a secretariat, led by septuagenarian Manuel Marulanda (a.k.a. “Tirofijo”) and six others, including senior military commander Jorge Briceno (a.k.a. “Mono Jojoy”). The FARC is organized along military lines and includes several urban fronts.
In February 2002, the group’s slow-moving peace negotiation process with President Andres Pastrana's administration was terminated by Bogota following the FARC's plane hijacking and kidnapping of a Colombian Senator from the aircraft. On 7 August, the FARC launched a large-scale mortar attack on the Presidential Palace where President Alvaro Uribe was being inaugurated. High-level foreign delegations—including the United States—attending the inauguration were not injured, but 21 residents of a poor neighborhood nearby were killed by stray rounds in the attack.
Strength
Approximately 9,000 to 12,000 armed combatants and several thousand more supporters, mostly in rural areas.
Location/Area of Operation
Colombia, with some activities—extortion, kidnapping, logistics, and R&R—in Venezuela, Panama, and Ecuador.Now to the reasoning behind my interest.
It seems that the weapons recovered were not the usual suspects that one might expect to find in a Latin America guerrilla base, the Ak-47s, RPG-7s, UXE, etc- The weapons found were At4 shoulder fired anti-tank weapons.
Even more odd, is the fact that these weapons were produced by Saab Bofors Dynamics, a subsidiary of Saab AB. So lets get this straight, High tech weapons manufactured by a company in Karlskoga, Sweden somehow reach a militant revolutionary group hiding in the forests of Columbia?
If you're confused, than that makes two of us- But dear reader, the plot thickens.The Colombian Government attempted to track these weapons, to see who supplied them to the FARC. Guess what they found? Venezuela.
The Swedish apparently sold these weapons to Venezuela, no later than 2006 according to Jan-Erik Lovgren, the overseer of weapons exports- as he claims "that his country stopped selling weapons to Venezuela in 2006"Venezuela has denied any connections and is convinced that these
allegations are a direct attack on its country.I'm not throwing blame, but it seems that one way or another the FARC got the weapons from Venezuela, as the FARC surely didn't travel to Sweden to get them and Venezuela is only a trip down the old logging road from Columbia.
Why must one choose, when the choice isn't theirs to make?
I'm in an ever constant mood of changing ideas. To me the only constant thing I have (internally) is conflicting decisions on what to do next in my life.
To me the conflict is not what to do, as much as it is what to do next. The most difficult thing to me is deciding what the priority for now is.
Being intelligent is oft times a curse as much as it is a gift. Not to say I would rather be unintelligent, however it's very frustrating to have all these goals and not only the know how to do them and complete them but also the motivation.
What is the problem, you ask dear reader?
One, Single word.
Focus.
In my rush to develop new ideas, new goals, new projects.
I seem to forget that in order to actually get somewhere in this world,life,existence- I must be able to decide which to do now, and which to do later. Which is seemingly impossible for me to even imagine being able to do.
To me the conflict is not what to do, as much as it is what to do next. The most difficult thing to me is deciding what the priority for now is.
Being intelligent is oft times a curse as much as it is a gift. Not to say I would rather be unintelligent, however it's very frustrating to have all these goals and not only the know how to do them and complete them but also the motivation.
What is the problem, you ask dear reader?
One, Single word.
Focus.
In my rush to develop new ideas, new goals, new projects.
I seem to forget that in order to actually get somewhere in this world,life,existence- I must be able to decide which to do now, and which to do later. Which is seemingly impossible for me to even imagine being able to do.
Possible Career Paths:
Photography
Exploring/Guide
Military
Political Science
Journalism
Music
[many more]
Photography
Exploring/Guide
Military
Political Science
Journalism
Music
[many more]
How does one pick one thing?
Could you tell me please?
I'll take your picture.
If you like.
Or Not.
Could you tell me please?
I'll take your picture.
If you like.
Or Not.
I don't really know how to choose
I've never been the really decisive one.
Then again, I never really cared.
I've never been the really decisive one.
Then again, I never really cared.
27.7.09
Again
I remembered this and hopefully will use it truly, as a blog is intended. Previous use of this was for photography, however as I found that it was painfully hard to upload my dozens of hi def photos, I moved to other things- found nothing and stopped blogging.
But new life requires new breath, so this will be a true blog with occasional photos to enhance the readers experience.
En
Jo
Y
L
If
E
But new life requires new breath, so this will be a true blog with occasional photos to enhance the readers experience.
En
Jo
Y
L
If
E
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